I have yet again come to the end of another short burst of counselling, though this time I feel I have at least made some good progress. I am also dissapointed that the only counsellor to happily say to me ‘if you feel you need more in the future please contact me’ was one I accessed via chairty to do with my Dad’s job and not the NHS.

I am always, always weighed down by the fact that when (and it is always more ‘when’ than ‘if’) I have another set of episodes I will have to go through the whole rigmarole of it again. The whole issue of having to continually fight for any scant scrap of help is just so fucking tiring sometimes and politically I have issue with it. Especially when all the forms for me to claim benefits as I am quite frankly not in a stable enough state to work full time, insist I must be doing the utmost to manage my condition and that if they deem I am not I can be refused. The biggest barrier in me managing my condition has been; the lack of treatment and support available to me on the NHS. I have had to fight for every referal, I still don’t feel listened to. I went a bit nuts and got some lovely physical side effects such as the wierd shakiness thing when they changed my medication from extented release to twice a day to save money and the response I got was the usual ‘I’ll write this down in your notes and pretty much not talk to you about anything’.  The fact, as far as I know, I have a vague semi diagnosis of ‘some sort of depressive disorder’ and no one’s really bothered to explore beyond that. I know I should fight more but I honestly don’t have the strength.

With the tories this is only going to get worse. I am genuinely worried about my health and my sanity when the NHS and benefit reforms get pushed through and I know I am one of the very lucky ones with a supportive family and friends.

I honestly believe these reforms will have a death toll

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