TW for depression, Self Injury, Suicide, you know depressing stuff.
I can feel it, that thing, the nameless mist, the stalking beast without a face, the thing thats there but never in focus, bubbling under, about to unleash. I don’t know how to control it, I’ve tried and failed my entire life. Perhaps I’m too harsh on myself, perhaps I do control it a lot of the time but sometimes it’s just too much?
I don’t know. I’m sitting here, I now a bad mood is coming and I feel helpless to stop it. I try stuff, self care, taking care of myself but all I want to do now is lie down and just stop everything. My brain is whirling and I am fizzing with a restless energy I can feel in every muscle, it twitches and wriggles like little worms under the skin, yet I am also tired.
It’s now later on, midnight ish. I can’t sleep. My mind is whirring, I feel an urge to self injure even though I don’t feel particularly depressed, it’s just this strong urge to do it. I feel like I’m starting off in one of those horrible agitated moods again. I can feel something building up inside physically, like a ball of energy, a cackle-y pantomime witchy laugh, I can feel a smile building up for no reason, the corners of my mouth turn up, I feel all whooshy and excited, like that weird feeling you get when you go over a hill too fast in a car, yet at the same time I want to cry a bit. I want to hit things. Go for a jog to try and get rid of this infernal restlessness. I’ve been doing bits of yoga to try and calm down but it’s not working much. I want to write down so much, how I feel, express myself eloquently but I can’t, everything in my mind is such a jumble I can’t make out anything coherent. The weird inner monologue voice thing has started again over the last few days, I wouldn’t say I hear voices but I have conversations with my mind if that makes any sense. It has its own personality, or a few of them, mostly sarcastic bastards so it’s not like they’re wildly different from me, but I know it’s not real so I don’t feel it’s a problem, it’s just a nuisance, won’t shut up sometimes. Sometimes my inner monologue, like when I read things in my head or think, goes so slowly and the slowness annoys me, it sounds like a tape going all funny before it gets chewed up or a walkman running out of batteries (how old do I feel now?) it goes all deep and distorted. The word its is now bothering me, I had to look up its and it’s as I always get confused and now it’s just there, too many its and it’s. Stupid little things like that. Or a clock ticking too loudly.
I’m frustrated, the same cycle over and over again. Fucking groundhog day. It feels I get nowhere with the psychiatrist , counselling or psychotherapy is as likely as winning the lottery, I feel trapped, as if I don’t matter, as if no one cares about my treatment, the psychiatrist has done nothing but look at me, write down notes and look a bit confused now and then for , I dunno it must be a few years now. I just feel like there’s nothing people can do. I worry what will happen when my parents get older, die and I’m on my own. I can’t cope with adult life independetly at the moment, well not consistently. Some days I am fucking amazing at it all, the next I’m a wreck. I just wonder, not in a depressed way, more in a cold , abstract sort of way, that suicide would solve a lot of problems but I’m far too much of a wuss to do it. I have all these grand dreams for what I want to do and imagine myself as some sort of polymath of wonder, but really I’m just mediocre as crap and don’t put enough effort into anything to succeed, just drift off half way through in boredom and then forget I even started doing whatever grand plan of wonder I had. I live more in my head than the real world, and sometimes I think this cant be a good thing but other times I think the real world is fucking shit so why not? Who knows what ‘reality’ is anyway.