There is a fish tank in psychiatrist’s waiting room (on the nhs too, gosh!) and I have blogged in the past about how my favourite resident of the said tank, orange gravel moving fish, sadly passed away, or perhaps made a brave escape attempt into the water cooler. From my latest visit today it seems the whole tank has been repopulated (some sort of powercut disaster?  an aggrieved patient? or just the short life cycle of fish?) and now includes a very depressed looking fish. Maybe it’s some sort of empathy fish, or an especially sensitive fish and atmosphere of the place has got to her/him. I have a new favourite psychiatrist fish, I hope it survives.

In other news I am really not comforted by the fact my psychiatrist is umming and ahhing about my medication again, saying he’s not sure if a higher dose (I am already on a pretty high dosage as it is) would work or a change of medication either, apparently I’ve been on most types of anti-depressants before. I’ve been on fluoxetine a.k.a prozac and paroxitine a.k.a seroxat a.k.a the highly ironic branded name of ‘paxil’ , which haven’t worked so he seems doubtful a new one will. The anti-depressant I’m on now, venlafaxine again with a bitterly ironic branded name of ‘effexor’ which also manages to sound like internet slang, isn’t really working. It keeps more stable than some others but I feel so lethargic, it seems to have a definite numbing and sludgey sort of effect, a veil of clammy, stifling grey-beige apathy, the sort of nihilism that’s absolutely no fun. I still suffer hideous depressive bouts, suicidal thoughts, self harm all that malarkey so I have no idea if it’s helping much, and yet again the side effects (depression, suicidal thoughts, yadda yadda) listed are pretty much the same as the symptoms I have anyway so how on earth can I tell what’s what? It’s like ridiculous post Kafka joke; ‘this is an anti-depressant but the side effects include depression so good luck figuring that out and if you’re not mad already ha just wait!’

I have been given two months to think  about it. Yet again it’s the same old same old nothing seems to work no one knows what to do and ‘experts’ look confused, oh living with depression what a circuitous existence. I’ve been here so many times before I’m starting to wonder what the point of anything is if my life is  akin to constant repeats of Top Gear on Dave, an infinite loop of irritation.




  1. Géraldine says:

    I can relate so much to what you write. I’ve tried all of these anti-depressants you’ve mentioned, everytime with a new hope it would change even a tiny something, everytime just feeling like I could as well have a tisane, it wouldn’t change much. I’ve even tried neuroleptics, and everytime it was a disaster, turning me in some sort of prostrate zombie.
    I’ve been on an intensive therapy for over 3 years now, and even if it makes me realize things and be more self-aware, clearly being aware of what is wrong doesn’t make what is wrong go away. Sometimes I just consider having electroshock therapy, because I feel like at this point i have nothing to lose, but I’m afraid it would make my brain even more fucked up.
    Oh, and btw i too have a favourite fish at the day hospital i go to. It’s the panther patterned one that spends her days in her lil dark amphora and barely goes out of it, only when there’s not many people around.

    • Chloe Chloe says:

      I’m really tempted to try intense therapy but I just don’t have the money for it atm :(

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who has a fish friend!

  2. Géraldine says:

    I feel so sorry for you. I’m French so I’m quite blessed as we still theoretically have free access to care for everyone. It’s deteriorating though, and I actually have to pay for a complementary insurance compagny to have all my medical expenses covered. I have no real idea of how things are working in the UK. :(
    I’m following you on twitter now. :)

  3. Chloe Chloe says:

    We have free care for everyone in theory too (for the moment, the government are busy dismantling things) but the majority of ‘talking therapies’ are not covered on the NHS (free healthcare system) and if they are the waiting times are very long and it’s usually for a set number of sessions say 12 or 16. In practice it’s mostly CBT which hasn’t worked for me in the past and the options to try something else are very limited. The budget for mental health is only about 15% when around 40% of the population suffer mental health problems!
    and thanks! I got a few new followers lately, I shall sort it out soon I’m just so tired tonight.

  4. Rhyme79 says:

    OMFG, are you sure you’re not me? O_o

  5. Butterflywings says:

    Hi *waves*. Just came across your blog via Twitter, looks interesting, will have a read through. I can relate to so much of this post.
    ‘It’s like ridiculous post Kafka joke; ‘this is an anti-depressant but the side effects include depression so good luck figuring that out and if you’re not mad already ha just wait!’'< this. So true. I've tried 4 antidepressants and quetiapine, none of it really worked. It makes me angry when psychiatrists dismiss it as 'well nothing is going to work for you then'. It takes time. Some people respond to the first or second med, some to the 12th. Doesn't make them lazy, not trying etc.

Feel free to comment, I do love a good debate

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