I have been struggling a lot lately with the lack of concentration issue. A big thing in depression that you don’t realise how seriously it can fuck up your life until it happens. This isn’t just normal not being able to concentratey ness, that if you try really hard you can usually break. I had that at uni, I coped just about. I dunno maybe it’s cos work is more open ended and I don’t have a big deadline of doom over me, I have never been able to do work in a sensible amount of time without leaving it all till the last minute and having a little panic fest and doing it all in a burst of panicy energy.
This is terrible. I haven’t been this bad for such a prolonged period of time for a very long time. I can’t work, my work is taking a serious battering. I try. I have been going out to cafes to read and take notes as somehow it helps to get out, but I can’t really do the amount I need to and do the thinky stuff, the organisation stuff, erg. My email on my phone messed up for a few days and I didn’t even notice. I left a supposedly relaxing scented candle burning when I’d gone to bed and suddenly remebered to blow it out in a fit of insomnia and thankfully my room had not burnt down, I should probably stop keeping my nail polish and associated flamable products on the same little table as the candles. I haven’t read a book for pleasure in ages, missing book group, can barely read for work/the newspaper.
It’s hard to explain what this is, it feels like I am concentrating on everything all at once, it isn’t an empty brain dead sort of thing it’s a ‘omg brain shut up NOW and stop trying to do everything in the whole world ever at once please’ sort of thing. It’s a bit like being stuck in the middle of a busy party or something and trying to focus when everyone is having really loud, competiting and clashing conversations around you and there’s music and every form of background noise under the sun. My brain is all ‘whoo yeh lets sing songs and dance!’ when I need to do stuff, I try and do stuff but the brain’s always “yeh lalalal singy songy ooo yehhh oh look something shiny” and inists on multi tasking , like if there is the paper, a magazine or my phone or anything on the sofa I will fiddle with that whilst trying to watch tv. Or play with my hair. Or find something to do wich isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing (like writing this instead of writing stuff for work). If I work from home it quickly descends into ‘do a little kate bush dance round the room and spin on your chair’ more than it does actual work.
It’s fidgety, both mentally and phsyically, it seems to come along with restless legs stuff and generaly fidgety tiwtchiness. I can’t sleep at night and am knackered during the day so I nap, which is bad cos then I don’t sleep but dear lord I can’t not have a nap. It’s this wierd feeling inside, like right in your chest, between the boobs (it seriously has a place) that’s all whooshy and spinny that wants to do everything at 1000mph with jazz hands when the rest of my body is all ‘but I want a nice sit down!’.
I think I might be verging on the hypomanic, I’ve never been diagnosed with it so am weary of the label but something isn’t right, this is beyond the normal range of procrastination and stuff, . I’ve been like this for about two weeks, probably more, I should probably take more notes of these things but I am terrible with that sort of thing and nearly got kicked off cbt for my inability to bother with forms properly. I’ve dyed a bright blue streak in my hair on a whim (which looks like crap and keeps leaving blue blotches on my forehead, yay my hair and its endless war against doing what I want it to do), bought too much stuff I don’t need (woo shoes! nay living in denial until I get the visa bill then panic), narrowly avoided answering a dodgy bootycall thanks to twitter people making me be sensible. I want to just rest but I can’t, even sleep isn’t resty sleep, my dreams and everything are vivid and have that air of crackly tension and I keep being almost asleep and then waking up again and getting all fidgety so I decide to start tidying at 2 am. That kinda sleep where you wake up more tired than before you went to sleep.
Right now I feel absolutely tired and drained but utterly on edge and fizzing with some wierd sort of energy, how can I be tired and fired up at the same fucking time? It’s starting to cause problems, I woke up today in a teary panic, cried my eyes out to my mum and confessed I’d forgotten to put in the repeat for my meds and now I’m suffering a big bout of withdrawal/sense of failure about my inability to organise my own life like a proper grown up. Bless my mum she said ‘You can do things, you get really into some things’.
I saw the physchiatrist and fish (see fuzzy pic) and he’s putting me on a low dose of anti pyschotics and finally started taking an interest in my ‘up’ symptoms though not without telling me he’d never heard me talk about feeling like that before and seeming confused. Oh ffs! You just don’t bloody listen! Bit worried about more medication but if it helps, good. I’m having a panic that I can’t do my work, My procrastination skills are reaching epic levels of amazement. I haven’t read a book not for work in months, it’s horrible when symptoms stop you doing things you love. I couldn’t tell you the plot of half the tv I’ve watched or games I’ve played.
FYI for irony, I wrote the bulk of this last week sometime, forgot about it as I’d drifted on to doing something else and now I’ve found it again and have finnished it.