Ironically I think I need more therapy to get over some very misguided CBT I had as a teen and all the resultant shit that sprung from it.
It affects stupid things. I still feel guilty for being ill and feel a need to search for a ‘proper’ reason why something is wrong or I feel like crap. I used to see psychiatrist for CBT for my M.E/CFS when I was a teenager and she made me do a test, if I didn’t have a temperature or any ‘real’ signs of illness I wasn’t ill and I had to go to school. I’d go to school and couldn’t cope so I’d end up in the sickbay where I was only allowed to stay for a certain amount of time before being made to go back to lessons or have my mum called. If my Mum was called I’d get yelled at for not doing what the Dr said. I spent about a year or two of my life puking up almost every day, once memorably on my French teacher.
I was threatened with being sent to a locked psych ward in Southampton or somewhere miles away from where I lived.
I remember my mum yelling at me in the street cos I walked home from the station cos I didn’t feel well instead of going to school. I had so many arguments, shouting, tears, panic attacks because I didn’t feel well enough to go to school. I still have dreams about being in school and failing at it somehow.
To this day I still doubt if it was M.E or depression or school phobia or whatever else they couldn’t decide was wrong with me. I had so many different people telling me I was depressed then that I wasn’t I was ‘really ill’ so much so that I still feel people don’t really accept my depression and it took me years to admit to it because what if everyone found out I’d just been depressed all along and I was lying? If I was depressed would I have to see that horrible psychiatrist again? No one seemed to want to admit I could be clinically depressed and have M.E, no I always just ‘down’ because of the M.E. The sort of not depressed generic ‘down’ that makes you self harm and think about suicide. That makes you scream at everyone, that makes you attempt to run away from home. Just the regular ‘teenage hormones’. I still feel so much anger and vitriol towards the whole mental health stigma of much of the M.E/CFS community, I’ve explored it before, and it still causes me so much pain. I think being exposed to that sort of attitude as a kid/teenager and the whole false dichotomy of it’s depression or M.E chose one!’ thinking has fucked me up so much. I mean really fucked me up. I don’t even want anything to do with a lot of M.E stuff and as my physical health has increased and the depression has become my main ‘problem’ I just want as far away from it as possible, but honestly I still have many M.E symptoms and they’ve been getting worse recently but I just cant face up to that world again. That world of forced cheeriness and ‘support’ I didn’t even want and never feeling I could explore my emotions because I’m ‘not depressed’. The whole M.E ‘community’ stuff is like Proust’s Madeleine bringing back a rush of shit I just don’t want.
Even now I still feel my Mum, as understanding as she tries to be (and to be fair to her she was only doing what many doctors and ‘experts’ told her to do) has problems with my depression and finds it easier to cope with physical illness.
So much went on in that time I don’t even remember half of it. I just try to forget but the more time goes on the more I’m starting to think just forgetting isn’t an option really.
I know I’m fucked up now and I don’t know what to do. Can you get therapy to get over therapy?