Birthday went O.K, thanks for all the nice wishes, the internet does placate my ego sometimes. It’s nice to know this blog is read and it isn’t just me ranting into empty space .
Though I am still waiting for the letter of doom from the DWP for the dreaded Work capability assesment, which I guess is playing on my mind more than I like to admit, (though I suppose if I do end up in tears as a result of ATOS cruelty that may count in my favour; being embrassingly quick to tears has to have its upsides?).
I also had a minor ‘incident’ with the mother. I was having a bad day, so I was still in sweat pants and unwashed hair by the time mother decreed it was time for us to go the theatre, she sighed at me ‘not making an effort’ , I had one of my embrassing mini meltdowns and ended up in floods of tears (if anyone assumes us depressives do it for attention we don’t; crying infront of people is embrassing, especially the proper snot spraying red eyed crying fits). It all worked out in the end but it has highlighted the whole ‘pull yourself togther’ thing. Even my mother who does support me but doesn’t always understand can get like this, it’s hard, it’s infuriating dealing with those attitudes. Especially as it sets off the self doubt , maybe I am just pathetic and useless and unable to just ‘get on with it’ like a normal human being?
But the fact I can’t pull myself together often enough is why depression is an illness, if I could pull myself together I wouldn’t have this problem would I? I wouldn’t willing suffer this utter hell just becuase I’m a bit lazy. So telling me to ‘pull myself together’ is somewhat of a logic fail.
Yes sometimes I do do things that are ‘bad for me’ (like gin, reading the comments/unrestrained bile of assorted wierdoes with grudges on Comment is Free) that might make my depression worse, but why should I have to life the life of a saint just because of my illness? I hate the judgement that if I am suffering becuase of a tiny lapse of judgement it’s somehow extented to being my fault for the whole entire thing (even if said lack of judgment may be little more than a coincidence; sometimes I can ‘over do it’ and be fine, others I won’t be, sometimes I’ll just crash for no reason etc etc). I was going to say something else relevant and profound but my brain’s just turned to mush. Meh.