It was psychiatrist time again the other day, he told me not to worry about the anti-pyschotics making me dizzy so now it’s back to the same ‘treatment plan’ or lack of one. I wonder if it does anything and if I’m ever going to get anywhere or if there’s even any point in seeing the psychiatrist as all he seems to do is tell me to keep taking the meds and look confused  whilst looking at my notes. I get the feeling he really has no clue what to do with me. He keeps asking me if I want to stay on the medication of change and when I ask what he thinks, hoping for some medical advice or an explanation of stuff, the downsides and benefits of different options, he just sort of umms and aaas and asks me again; whatever I answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ he never seems pleased.

Sisyphus by TitianI feel like Sissyphus, condemned to roll this ball up a hill forever, never changing, never achieving anything except barely managing this sodding great boulder. After the multiple disasters of therapy I’m reluctant to ask for it again as I know it’s highly unlikely ill be given anything but more short term cbt esque stuff which doesn’t do much/anything for me. It just seems so futile, as if no one actually cares about treating me and they view me as a nuisance with this problem that is still there and they don’t know what to do so they just ignore me cos I’m not serious enough for them to worry about being sued for negligence or something. An appointment longer than 5 minutes would be nice, someone to take another look back at everything, someone who isn’t a poor improving access to psychological therapies new recruit out of their depth, someone who doesn’t try to shove me and my symptoms into boxes and ignore the ones that don’t quite fit. I suppose that’s it, I’m one of the tricky ones who its easier to leave drifting so you can focus on the ‘easier’ cases that make the numbers look good. I am just so fed up of it all, I am technically under the care of the community mental health trust, I’m technically being treated or whatever but really it amounts to fuck all. I just feel like I am continuously getting nowhere. I don’t have the energy to fight it, I’m too fed up to be angry. I just feel like wallpaper (obviously the yellow stuff) , it’s just there, no one really notices it and just gets on with life around it whilst it’s stuck there just oozing insignificance. Or that girl in that episode of Buffy who turned invisible because no one noticed her.

The waiting room fish seem happy though, think there are some new ones.

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