Ironically I think I need more therapy to get over some very misguided CBT I had as a teen and all the resultant shit that sprung from it.

It affects stupid things. I still feel guilty for being ill and feel a need to search for a ‘proper’ reason why something is wrong or I feel like crap. I used to see psychiatrist for CBT for my M.E/CFS when I was a teenager and she made me do a test, if I didn’t have a temperature or any ‘real’ signs of illness I wasn’t ill and I had to go to school. I’d go to school and couldn’t cope so I’d end up in the sickbay where I was only allowed to stay for a certain amount of time before  being made to go back to lessons or have my mum called. If my Mum was called I’d get yelled at for not doing what the Dr said. I spent about a year or two of my life puking up almost every day, once memorably on my French teacher.

I was threatened with being sent to a locked psych ward in Southampton or somewhere miles away from where I lived.

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In rebuttal to Giles Fraser’s poorly argued piece on anti depressants and ADHD medication, which may have hit ‘common misconceptions about depression BINGO!”  I am inspired to reply in a somewhat tired and mixed up manner.

Firstly he seems to be confusing Depression with ‘feeling a bit sad’ and ADHD with ‘being an arsey teenager’ (which is pretty much BINGO! on its own). Everyone gets sad and I do genuinely feel our society is terrible with dealing with negative emotions and we are encouraged far too much to not explore these, however, and this is the really important bit, Depression is not being sad. Depression is when your sadness and depressive feelings (Ironically I don’t tend to feel especially sad when I’m depressed ) become so problematic and overwhelming you cannot function. It is a extreme, I’d venture unimaginably extreme if you have not experienced it, version of what ‘sadness’ and ‘feeling down’ is. It is an illness. Anti depressants are not ‘happy pills’, they do not make anyone happy, the best most of us can hope for is ‘making you function as a vague approximation of a human being’.  I know I moan about my medication a lot on here, they can have terrible side effects and finding the right medication at the right dosage takes time, and sometimes they just ‘poop out’ and stop. They are not a cure, I am still depressed after years of being on anti depressants, however I am alive and  I achieve more stability than I do off medication. Ideally I would love to be able to manage without, but at the moment that is unrealistic. Some people find the improvement dramatic.

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I am apparently being put on ‘a huge’ waiting list for psychotherapy. The pyschiatrist seems to finally be taking notice of things, realising that after at least two years of venlafaxine at a high dose I’m not getting any better. I’m still in the same patterns of up down n all over. I’m not sure what’s made him appear far more concerned this last visit, making sure I have the crisis line number, than all the others I’ve said similar things in. But it’s nice to know something is shifting in my treatment, that things seem to be moving however slowly.

I’m still failing to do the work I should be doing. My brain is lost in what I have termed the ‘forest of endless distraction’ . I just can’t seem to concentrate, even on simple things. I’ve given up reading proper books, which is something I used to love because I just can’t seem to read a page and remember what was on it, or even have the will to sit down and start in the first place.

I keep whooshing between lethargy and agitated fidgetiness, being barely able to move to being unable to sit still. I had a rather embarassing and annoying episode of toddler style fidgetyness in Italy. I had gone to a concert with my parents in a nice old church, I thought it’d be nice relaxing music. Instead it was boring organ music that went on for approximately ten billion years. I could not just sit there and take it, I was doing my hair, fidgeting my feet, swishing my legs, basically fidgeting as much as one can whilst still sitting down. I was in a terrible mood too. I’m ashamed of it really, I’m a grown up I should be able to sit through something boring and at the very least not descend into toddler mode.

This stuff is really starting to affect my work, I’ve pretty much done sod all in the last month or so. I don’t know how much longer I can go on faking it. I am fed up of this endless circle of varying moods and never being stable long enough to do anything useful. I’m just really, really fucking fed up of everything.

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Lately I’ve not been up to writing much so I’ve started to doodle, admittedly my artisitc talent is a tad lacking, but here they are, mood doodles illustrating my mental health:

 

The Mood Swing

Mood swing doodle, consisting of a swing on a tree in various positions; up & happy mood, in the middle , not moving 'apathy' , swinging very high 'very excited mood', swing stalled and person fallen off 'very depressed mood' , an empty space where the swing should be 'WTF?' mood

How My Brain handles a Supposedly Simple Task

Diagram showing 'MY brain'  with a very wiggly line, in loops and dead ends going from A- B and then back again. A  'normal' brain showing a line going from A to B straightforwardly with only a small dip for 'a cup of tea' The Forest of Endless Distraction

A doodle showing a small stick figure in a forrest, various scenes show being distracted by a pine cone, an interestingly shaped clod of dirt, noisy trees and stream, the whirpool of wandering thoughts and sign posts to somweher but you forget where labelled 'whatevs' , 'stuff' and 'blah'

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Somedays I am so sensitive to everything, everything is noisier, smellier, more colourful, and if it’s a bad day 100000x more annoying. I don’t know if this sensory overload or whatever it is it’s a symptom of depression or what.

Today is one of those days. I am distracted to the point of snapping, every little noise everyone makes is driving me to distraction. Even the sound of my fingers on the keyboard is rubbing me up the wrong way. My mum is sweeping the floor and it sounds like fingers down a blackboard. I can’t concentrate, I can’t do any work everything is so fucking NOISY and DISTRACTING. On days like this I need to get out. I just can’t cope. I just can’t do stuff. I need to shove headphones on and walk off the stress, fidget it out or curl up.

Too Noisy!

It really is quite utterly ridiculous to be almost driven to tears and yelling at people because everyone’s noisy. It’s diva ish ‘how dare you make noise when I need to work!’. But omg it’s so hard. I can’t shut it out, I just can’t. You can never tell when it’s going to hit. Sometimes it just comes over you, you just have to ride it out and try not to snap at people for breathing too loudly (some people really do breathe ridiculously loudly). The birds outside sound like they have bloody megaphones.

This is probably why I have a very low tolerance of people who talk in cinemas, apart from the fact it’s just bloody rude if you don’t STFU as soon as the film starts. I once went to the cinema with a guy who kept using his phone, not to talk but silently to text n stuff, just the light next to me was driving me mad. I just find it so hard, if not impossible to tune this stuff out sometimes, like I have a filter that’s broken and everything is just massive white noise swarming in all at once , deafening. Like a massive bee. My brain even feels weird, sort of tingly and wriggly. Like little brainy worms.

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