It was psychiatrist time again the other day, he told me not to worry about the anti-pyschotics making me dizzy so now it’s back to the same ‘treatment plan’ or lack of one. I wonder if it does anything and if I’m ever going to get anywhere or if there’s even any point in seeing the psychiatrist as all he seems to do is tell me to keep taking the meds and look confused  whilst looking at my notes. I get the feeling he really has no clue what to do with me. He keeps asking me if I want to stay on the medication of change and when I ask what he thinks, hoping for some medical advice or an explanation of stuff, the downsides and benefits of different options, he just sort of umms and aaas and asks me again; whatever I answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ he never seems pleased.

Sisyphus by TitianI feel like Sissyphus, condemned to roll this ball up a hill forever, never changing, never achieving anything except barely managing this sodding great boulder. After the multiple disasters of therapy I’m reluctant to ask for it again as I know it’s highly unlikely ill be given anything but more short term cbt esque stuff which doesn’t do much/anything for me. It just seems so futile, as if no one actually cares about treating me and they view me as a nuisance with this problem that is still there and they don’t know what to do so they just ignore me cos I’m not serious enough for them to worry about being sued for negligence or something. An appointment longer than 5 minutes would be nice, someone to take another look back at everything, someone who isn’t a poor improving access to psychological therapies new recruit out of their depth, someone who doesn’t try to shove me and my symptoms into boxes and ignore the ones that don’t quite fit. I suppose that’s it, I’m one of the tricky ones who its easier to leave drifting so you can focus on the ‘easier’ cases that make the numbers look good. I am just so fed up of it all, I am technically under the care of the community mental health trust, I’m technically being treated or whatever but really it amounts to fuck all. I just feel like I am continuously getting nowhere. I don’t have the energy to fight it, I’m too fed up to be angry. I just feel like wallpaper (obviously the yellow stuff) , it’s just there, no one really notices it and just gets on with life around it whilst it’s stuck there just oozing insignificance. Or that girl in that episode of Buffy who turned invisible because no one noticed her.

The waiting room fish seem happy though, think there are some new ones.

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There is a fish tank in psychiatrist’s waiting room (on the nhs too, gosh!) and I have blogged in the past about how my favourite resident of the said tank, orange gravel moving fish, sadly passed away, or perhaps made a brave escape attempt into the water cooler. From my latest visit today it seems the whole tank has been repopulated (some sort of powercut disaster?  an aggrieved patient? or just the short life cycle of fish?) and now includes a very depressed looking fish. Maybe it’s some sort of empathy fish, or an especially sensitive fish and atmosphere of the place has got to her/him. I have a new favourite psychiatrist fish, I hope it survives.

In other news I am really not comforted by the fact my psychiatrist is umming and ahhing about my medication again, saying he’s not sure if a higher dose (I am already on a pretty high dosage as it is) would work or a change of medication either, apparently I’ve been on most types of anti-depressants before. I’ve been on fluoxetine a.k.a prozac and paroxitine a.k.a seroxat a.k.a the highly ironic branded name of ‘paxil’ , which haven’t worked so he seems doubtful a new one will. The anti-depressant I’m on now, venlafaxine again with a bitterly ironic branded name of ‘effexor’ which also manages to sound like internet slang, isn’t really working. It keeps more stable than some others but I feel so lethargic, it seems to have a definite numbing and sludgey sort of effect, a veil of clammy, stifling grey-beige apathy, the sort of nihilism that’s absolutely no fun. I still suffer hideous depressive bouts, suicidal thoughts, self harm all that malarkey so I have no idea if it’s helping much, and yet again the side effects (depression, suicidal thoughts, yadda yadda) listed are pretty much the same as the symptoms I have anyway so how on earth can I tell what’s what? It’s like ridiculous post Kafka joke; ‘this is an anti-depressant but the side effects include depression so good luck figuring that out and if you’re not mad already ha just wait!’

I have been given two months to think  about it. Yet again it’s the same old same old nothing seems to work no one knows what to do and ‘experts’ look confused, oh living with depression what a circuitous existence. I’ve been here so many times before I’m starting to wonder what the point of anything is if my life is  akin to constant repeats of Top Gear on Dave, an infinite loop of irritation.

 

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