This is in a different vein to most ‘fakery’ and body image posts, I am not going to opine about surgery or make up or airbrushing (well maybe airburshing a bit) but comment on a new-ish trend that is dedicated to shaming people whose clothing choices give away the scandalous fact that they have a human body underneath and not some bizarre barbie action man plastic smooth areas. It’s body image ramped up a level to the point where the ideal seems to be to not have a body, at least not a living, breathing human one.

Have we become so disgusted by the human body that we cannot cope with seeing the vaguest hint of nipple, belly button,  and other assorted lumps and bumps we all have?

The Daily Heap of Shame (a k a the Daily mail has an article on Nicole Scherzinger having breasts as a ‘fashion faux pas’.

This culture of body shaming has lead to a bewildering array of bizarre products, that aim to convince us we need to cover up the hideous embarrassment of our own bodies being real, live bodies as opposed to polished mannequins.

You can buy little nipple ‘flowers’ designed to ‘nip in the bud’ any nipple problems you may have, like erm having nipples. You can even buy a bra with little nipple flowers built in.  If cameltoe , or having a vulva, is your ‘problem’ you can buy the hideously named ‘smooth groove’ which looks like some sort of armoured panty liner shoe horn hyrbid. Or you can buy ‘the original visual privacy undergarment’ the camelflage which also excels in the bad name steaks.

If the dreaded ‘muffin top’ a.k.a f having a torso that isn’s solid steel is an issue you can buy special jeans to banish your ‘unsightly’ fleshy human wobbly bits. Though judging from the pics it just looks like the model is finally put in a pair of jeans that fit, woo magic!


You can buy strange sticky things to hoik your tits up to your eyebrows, and other stick on things to shape your breasts into that spherical non breast shaped ideal. In the grand tradition of ‘body shaming solutions’ products and brands they have a terrible, punning name; ‘bring it up’.

On the other hand if your boobs are too high and poking out your top (proving whatever your boobs you will need a “boobie shame solution!”) you can buy a overpriced elasticated bandage to cover up your mammary related shame!

If you thought being pregnant would give you respite form the body shaming, think again, you can buy a sticky plaster to shove over your belly button lest anyone be mistaken you once had an umbilical cord too!

The market for bewildering stick on products seems to be as endless Blue Peter, for example stick on pacman ghosts so you don’t need to wear knickers, perfect if your lover is a bright yellow pie shape. Om nom nom.

The dreaded ‘cellulite’ is cause of a million and 1 useless products. You can even buy leggings infused with caffiene in to do something, I dunno give you a really zingy UTI?

You can also buy a bra for your bum or a fake bum, guaranteed to make getting laid just that bit more comical but perhaps useful for uncomfortable seats.

Barbie doll


The saddest thing is most of these products are found on a site called ‘good to be you’ , whose whole raison d’être is something along the lines of  ‘ha sucks to be you! you need a million products to cover up the disgusting shame that is your body!’ and that is why I view such products with suspicion, they are taking body hatred to new levels inventing new ‘flaws’ and this whole ‘ideal’ they promote is one of barbie doll plasticky smoothness, not real bodies. Any sign of being a human being, such as wibble, wobbles, pimples, sweat, hair, pores is deemed ‘unsightly’. It’s bullshit. Life is , imho, too short to shove yourself into medieval looking scary bum bra shaping shorts and stick sticky things all over yourself.

Photo source



  1. […] for daring to have nipples, a worry which has lead to the creation of some bizarre products I shamelessly take the piss out of here, to hide your shame at not having perfectly smooth, nippleless barbie style […]

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