I am apparently being put on ‘a huge’ waiting list for psychotherapy. The pyschiatrist seems to finally be taking notice of things, realising that after at least two years of venlafaxine at a high dose I’m not getting any better. I’m still in the same patterns of up down n all over. I’m not sure what’s made him appear far more concerned this last visit, making sure I have the crisis line number, than all the others I’ve said similar things in. But it’s nice to know something is shifting in my treatment, that things seem to be moving however slowly.
I’m still failing to do the work I should be doing. My brain is lost in what I have termed the ‘forest of endless distraction’ . I just can’t seem to concentrate, even on simple things. I’ve given up reading proper books, which is something I used to love because I just can’t seem to read a page and remember what was on it, or even have the will to sit down and start in the first place.
I keep whooshing between lethargy and agitated fidgetiness, being barely able to move to being unable to sit still. I had a rather embarassing and annoying episode of toddler style fidgetyness in Italy. I had gone to a concert with my parents in a nice old church, I thought it’d be nice relaxing music. Instead it was boring organ music that went on for approximately ten billion years. I could not just sit there and take it, I was doing my hair, fidgeting my feet, swishing my legs, basically fidgeting as much as one can whilst still sitting down. I was in a terrible mood too. I’m ashamed of it really, I’m a grown up I should be able to sit through something boring and at the very least not descend into toddler mode.
This stuff is really starting to affect my work, I’ve pretty much done sod all in the last month or so. I don’t know how much longer I can go on faking it. I am fed up of this endless circle of varying moods and never being stable long enough to do anything useful. I’m just really, really fucking fed up of everything.