I often act it too. To many this would have me in the realms of a malingerer in extremis who could really run a marathon every day but I’m just too lazy so  instead I sponge.

I do do stuff, I am currently very active with my local women’s group and am acting in a play, I am also doing a French class. Yet these activities amount to nowhere near a full days work and I often miss them as I don’t feel well.

I am so utterly sick of society’s attitude to that to be ‘properly ill’ you have to look awful and limp along, or be in a wheelchair or have some other handy visible sign that you’re ‘ill’. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that a lot of people have serious health issues and look absolutely fine (well almost, some of us still need a wee bit of make up to help). People can also be ‘fine’ for a bit but not for long enough for it to give any degree of stability in life (I’m up and down every few weeks atm).

Yes there may be people in my life who don’t know I’m ill, it’s not something you tend to bring up in casual conversation ‘hey guys, guess what? I’m severly depressed, how’s that for small talk? now you must tell me about that new pot plant you bought!’. Plus there is still sitgma about, it’s not the easiest thing to talk about, I’ve had more than enough situations amongst peers involving ’emos cut themselves lol lets laugh at it! attention seekers lulz!’ jokes to make me feel really uncomfortable, and not only due to the implied insult on my musical tastes.

When I feel good I feel good, I go out, I see my friends, I’m pretty ‘normal’ but I also swing pretty damn quick to feeling awful; I will hardly speak, I will just lie around all day, I will be in constant mental turmoil, I contemplate suicide, I cry for hours, I don’t eat or look after myself. A lot of people see me when I’m fine, hardly anyone sees me when I’m not .

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Comments

  1. Pennies says:

    Just Yes. nothing wise to say,but I get it, I’m in a similar place myself.

  2. Darlene says:

    Heh, I get a lot of that: “I always see you smiling.” Too bad you aren’t around the other 98% of the time when I’m not.

    I’m down so often that when I’m not down, I’m extremely happy to be happy. The world’s weight is off my shoulders.

    But, yeah. I get it.

    • Chloë says:

      Thanks, I’m always reminded of the beatles lyric from I’m a loser ‘althought I act and I looke like a clown, beneath this mask I am wearing a frown’. Even when people see me smiling I’m faking it half the time! Or being depressed doesn;’t mean I’m depressed every single minute of every day, it comes in waves; I can be top of the world for weeks but the down moods always catch up with me. I just wish people didn’t feel pompus enough to judge people on the small percentage of thier lives they actually see!

Feel free to comment, I do love a good debate

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